


The Desired Aftermath (Discontinued)

by orphan_account



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Break Up, Drama, F/M, Fluff, I love saeran, Love, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Smut, Tragedy, Uhh lol, Well - Freeform, he's my fovorite, i also am bad at writing sooooooo, i don't know how to tag, i hope i kill you with feels, lol, saeran and mc end up together, seven and mc break up, seven stop ignoring mc, sin - Freeform, takes place 1 year after the first party, that'll come too i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-10-22 02:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10688244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: DISCONTINUED FANFICTION (READ LAST CHAPTER TO UNDERSTAND WHY).Takes place after 1 year of the mystic messenger events.You, Saeyoung and Saeran live in the same place now, with you being Seven's girlfriend.One day, you get pissed off of your boyfriend's ignorance towards you, which leads to a new future of you running away. Unexpected things happen, things, that change your life.Points Of View: 1st person and sometimes the 3rd person.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> AYYYYY  
> i'm bad at writing stuff haha  
> sorry if it triggers anyone

Your Point Of View

_Last time i saw him so concentrated was..at Rika's apartment last year._

_I remember wanting to hold him, embrace him and say everything that was building inside my chest, but he ignored me._

_Now, we live at his bunker, together. This month was the worst, he kept ignoring me, he's always find an excuse like "I'm sorry, i can't come now, maybe later, okay?"._

_It's been a long time since i heard him talk to me like a normal person._

"Look, i have to work, the agency now is coming after me, it's not everything clean alright? I told you to stay back while i'm working!"

"I said leave me alone, i work."

"Listen, work's really important now."

"We'll talk later, alright?"

"I'm busy, i'll come see you later."

_Liar. He kept lying to me, hoping i'd buy his lies, which, i admit, i did, but not anymore._

My steps echoed the now silenced place, i was promenading with grace but anexiety to what, seemed to be his room. I remmember how much he's changed, today, was a special day,i even got him a gift.

A bright orange box, with a robotic cat, which was meant to be Meowy The Second.

_I learnt some hacking tips from Saeran from time to time, we has a strong friendship, i could say he's my best friend._

"Saeyoung..?" I trembled, i was afraid. Did.. Did he forget about our one year anniversary?

"Come in". His voice was hoarse as if he hasn't eaten of sleept in days, which was probably true since last time we talked was 1 week ago. He locked himself in that small smelly room.

"Do you know what day is today?.." _I was hesitant, my voice was trembling, what if he doesn't remember, what if he forgot, what if he wants to break up-_

"I know. It's April 21st. Why? couldn't you just check your phone to see? why do you have to bother me?" last part of his long sentence was full of bitter, as if he hated me, his voice was like venom in my blood.

So he didn't remember.

That's where it all started.

_Tears. tears. Crying. Tears. Crying. Crying. Tears. Pain. Sadness. Depression. Depression. Pain. Anxiety. Tears. Crying._

_Stop-_

My eyes were burning, so he did indeed, forget about about our anniversary. I froze. I felt numb. Without aknowledging, my orange pretty box fell on the ground, making a loud cracking sound as the person i love turned its chair to look at me.

He looked annoyed.

_Of course i'd annoy you._

"Are you okay? what's with that box?"

_Like you'd even care._

The little emotion castle i built up inside me was crashed down by a wave of pain in my soul. I ran. I didn't care where i went. I ran.

If i was promenading with grace before, now i'm running like wild to where God leads me.

_I don't care._

_You don't care._

_We don't care._

I opened my eyes just to be greeted by blackness an pain. I couldn't move.

Everything was black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up in an unknown place with unknown people.

_Where am i..?_

_Who are those people?_

_I hear voices.._

_Am i.. dying?_

"She's lost too much blood-"

Beep.

"Do something assistant-"

Beep.

"Please, you have to do something! i can't-"

Beep.

_..What's happening..?_

The beeping i heard gets slower and slower.

I hear a woman. Her voice is familliar..

"She's all i have!"

_M-mother?.. Why are you here?.. And what's exactly "here" ?.. Where am i? Where are we? Why? what happened? who's dying? who are you talking about? i can't hear my voice._

"I can't loose my daughter! please!" My mother was crying. I'm dying.

_Mom, please don't cry. I'm alright.._

_I want to reach out for her._

_To comfort her._

_Tell her everything's gonna be alright.._

_I feel numb._

_I can't move._

_Why?_

"Doctor! we're loosing her!"

_D..Doctor?_

_Ahaa... so it's a hospital._

_i really am dying._

_How did i end up like this.._

"Please!" Mother's voice cracks. She cries. Screams. 

_Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Tears. Crying. Crying. Pain. Tears. Anxiety. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Tears. Crying. Crying. Pain. Tears. Anxiety._

_STOP-_

_Mom don't cry!_

_Why?_

_I want to reach out._

_Hug her._

_I can't_

_I can't open my eyes._

_I can't move._

_I can't do anything right._

_I'm useless._

_I'm worthless._

_Someone help!_

_I'm dying!_

Beeeeeeeep.

One last beep before i drift to sleep screaming inside.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a dream. An unpleasant one. You realize your feelings for Saeran, as your mother visits you. You have a long conversation with yourself, realizing you feel hate towards your boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at writing, so i tried to put in more details, ay ay

"Saeyoung!"

I yell. I'm happy. I laugh.

I run in his arms, he holds me tight.

"I missed you"

I find that somehow comforting.

"I missed you too"

Suddenly, everything changes and we are in his room.

..That room.

I look around tip toeing, then, i turn around to face him.

He's smirking.

Why is he smirking?

My questions don't need an answer as soon as i see red sticky liquid dripping down from my heart as a blade pierced through my chest to recollect my memories.

I fall down, betrayed. He laughs. laughs.

I fall in despair, i break down and cry.

Why. Why do you want to hurt me so badly. Why are you doing this to me.

I see a hand.

A hand that i've seen many times before when i cried.

One of the only persons who helped me.

I reached out, scared that it'll go away leave me embraced by despair. It doesn't. that hand rises me up, helps me recover from pain. I look at my chest, the stab wound's gone.

"Thank you, Saeran"

I gently put on a smile, thinking he probably cares about me.

Wrong.

Or..was i right?

He embraces me, i hear words i never heard before. 'i won't let him hurt you".

.

.

I open my eyes. Oh. It was a dream. A nightmare, but then dream. I feel different towards one certain young twin.

Huh.

What's this.

I open my eyes.

Warm liquid rolling down my pale face. They're tears.

The image i see it's really dark, but i see light.

I try turning my head, but to no avail. I'm too sore for that.

I try directing my eyes towards the light source, i see a red head.

Double.

I see a pair of glasses on one.

Saeyoung.

And i see one with mintish eyes.

Saeran.

"Oh my god! i was so scared when you left like that! when i heard you got hit by a car, i ran here leaving my work! why? what happened to you?"

_Work._

That's what you always talk about. Work. Work and just work.

"Hey.. i'm really sorry for you, i'll come here everyday and talk with you, okay?"

No.

No it's not okay.

Stop.

Leave me alone.

"Mr. Saeyoung Choi, Mr. Han requested to see you in private please" It was a cute blonde nurse.

Hey look Saeyoung.

That could be your new girlfriend, couldn't she?

"Uhm.. i.. i don't know what to say, i promise it'll be alright.." Poor Saeran, confused of what happened. It must be really confusing to see your twin brother's girlfriend in a hospital covered in bandages.

I manage to mouth a quiet thank you.

I forced myself, my throat was burning. My lungs ached.

He seemed to see my little gesture as he puts on one of those pretty smiles of his, which manages to make me smile, even if my cheeks hurt.

I remember how we talked before. He always seemed nice to me, once, i heard him yelling at Saeyoung, telling him he should stop ignoring me since i'm such 'an amazing girl'. He was like an overprotective father, but my age.

I grew pretty attached to him, i also felt sorry for him when me and Saeyoung had those 'loud nights', poor Saeran, he heard everything, no other reason why he'd always be upset the next day, he didn't get enough sleep.

We would always spend time together since his brother, which happened to be my boyfriend, which i'm gonna break up with when i will be able to speak, ignored us. We'd play games, we would learn, and occasionally he would try and teach me hacking algorithms and developing things such what a variable is, even though i have to admit, i'm pretty low with memorizing everything, but i know how to track someone down by their IP, and that's all because he sacrificed his spare time for.. me.

My thinking was interrupted just when the nurse came in. Or, that's what i was thinking.

It was my mother. Wow. Has she been crying so much? she has nags under her eyes, face stained with tears and worry is written all over her body.

She looks tired, just like she had just ran a mile, she must be afraid. Afraid of what exactly? her daughter which she hasn't seen for 2 years?.

Since i got trapped into RFA, i didn't even talk to my mother, i have to admit, i kind of forgot about her existence, but poor woman, she probably kept worrying over me, it must've been a shock when she found out her daughter is on the verge of death.

She approaches me slowly, taking care not to startle me as if i was a little cat. Oh, that reminds me of Jumin.

I remember he once called Yoosung's mother, that was funny, poor Cinderella Yoosung, had to clean everything.

Haha.. That also remind me of how Yoosung was obsessed with LOLOLOL.. a game which Jaehee didn't approve, since it lowered his grades so much.

I wonder.. did Jaehee open her cafe now? we didn't keep in touch, since she was always busy and rarely came in the messenger.

Same goes for V.. but that's another story, he's not with us anymore, as for Rika.. i'd rather not talk about her..

Zen, haha, narcissist still. I'm quite sure he has a show today, i wonder how he's doing. He's playing Romeo, i bet Jaehee would fangirl over him if she had time now.

Then.. I remember, my mother's still, here.

“...Mother!”  
I was going to scream, or instead call for her, but my throat was sore so i only managed to mouth it a little. My voice trembled. I was about to cry any second. As mother must have seen it, I was a child worried for my life. She held my hand and gently hugged me.

Unable to express the feelings I had just realized, I desperately clung to her body. Was I unable to express them? I don’t know why I thought so. To be exact, I wanted to pretend I couldn’t.

Even wrapped in mother’s aroma, the memories in my chest didn’t go away. In fact, they only seemed to deepen.

I was flustered by this feeling I’d never felt before. This thing born in my chest, was that i was afraid? afraid of what? death? my death?

"Shh.. it's okay.." her mother voice made me feel butterflies.

I saw Saeran exit the room with a smile on his face. It was him who told my mother. I'm sure. I'm so glad my mother is here. thank you Saeran.

I was unable to calm down.

Finding it unbearable, I got off the bed. Putting all my weight on my legs made me cower with intense pain. The pain in my legs shot up to my head, and tears formed in my eyes.

"What are you doing? go back to bed please, i don't want you to be hurt!" Mother seemed to cry inside, i'm sorry.  
It hurt. But not enough that I couldn’t walk.

Supporting myself with the nearby chair, I staggered to my feet. I took a look around the room, but my shoes were nowhere to be seen.They must have been put away. The doctors figured I would not need to leave, after all i've been through.

The sun from outside the window shone down on me, almost directly overhead. The bright rays hurt my eyes as i moved to hug my mother.

My heart beat fast with hope. My eyes and legs naturally turned toward the source of the love in the room.

"Mother...?"  
I felt like it had been so long since I’d heard my own voice. I saw her shadow just as I spoke.

"I'm sorry i didn't keep in touch with you.. i love you.." it was true. I owe her my life, i love her so much, after all she's the one responsible for me being alive and here in this moment.

Mother stood here, in front of me, after all those years. She looked at me with much surprise. A lamp on a low table vaguely illuminated the scene.

You came back?  
I couldn’t voice the question.

It was the woman I saw before me who caused me to do so. Mother’s appearance was much more orderly, like she was a different person. Her formerly unkempt hair was neatly tied up with a barrette and she was wearing a black dress.

Probably for my funeral if i died, but of course, it's been 2 years since we saw each other, and she changed much, as well as i did.

I prayed for mother to come to my side soon, and shut my eyes tight when she wasn't there for me, now she's here.

I wasn’t cold, but my body shivered. Soon enough, I fell asleep in my mother's touch.

.

.

When I came to, mother was stroking my cheek with the palm of her hand. Her expression was hollow, but when she saw me, she smiled.

"You’re awake?"

I silently nodded. Just looking at her face calmed me.

"I’ll bring you some water."

She stood up from the chair and went to the sink.

I looked out the window. Night had yet to fall. It must not have been too long that I was asleep. I stared off into space as I thought, still drowsy from my nap.

My eyes casually followed my mother’s back.

I wonder why? It looked to me less like she was working for my sake, and more like she was fleeing from something, but again, her daughter - me -, was on the verge of death.

But from what?

I saw past the door of the other room. Saeran, who was surely still there, wouldn’t come in, since he didn't want to destroy the mother-daughter moment that was going on.

Finally, my mother returned with a cup of water and a powder medicine. I slowly sat up in bed and took them.

Then, when I absentmindedly looked at mother’s face, I was taken aback. I caught my breath, as if I’d realized a staggering fact.

My mother looked incredibly beautiful.

It wasn’t the structure of her face. Her hair was a mess, and she scarcely wore any makeup. She just feebly smiled.

But her lower lip was red from being chewed too much, and that red felt like the only color in this dark room. Her downcast eyelashes sometimes shook with remembrance. Her gaze, breathing, clasped hands, they all seemed to have significance, well, to me, at least.

I gulped down the medicine. But it tasted bitter. My stomach had long become accustomed to bitter things such as honey buddha chips and dr pepper, Yet the water in the bottom of my stomach became like a writhing snake, and tried to escape out my throat.

I felt like i would throw up any second.

It was hatred.

I loathed him. My boyfriend, Saeyoung Choi, who made me feel that he was alive. My boyfriend who continued to accept love from me and don't give me any love in return.

I was confused to feel such a brutal emotion. How could I hate my boyfriend, who was so kind and adoring? I  
sternly admonished myself.

To do away with the bitter thoughts, I clung tighter to my mother's arm.

Even if mother and Saeran are the only ones who seem to have color, that’s fine. As she embraces me like this, she’s coloring me too.

I am myself. Mother’s beloved daughter. I don’t need anything but that and Saeran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Saeyoung, sorry if the story is bad though.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're left alone in your hospital room, with an old doll given by your mother when you turned 12.

I desperately convinced myself that. And yet still, hatred coiled around my leg, trying to drag me into the depths of the sea. It even came up to my ears to whisper, so that I’d notice it.

"Do you really?"

I resisted the urge to scream, and pressed my face into mother’s comforting chest.

I let go at looked over the window with mistery.

Beside me, a woman with rustling light brown hair, mother, quietly smiling. She hugged me from behind, and gently swung my body like a cradle.

"My dear daughter..."

I was put at ease in my mother’s sweet aroma. I grabbed her thin arms and closed my eyes. My mother. Mother who had loved me all this time.. I loved her as well.

To be abandoned by my mother would be the same as death and being abandoned by Saeyoung, which i already felt that, because she was the only one who loved me.

If she wasn’t smiling, then neither could I. If she wasn’t loving me, I wouldn't be able to breathe.. Like such a weakling desperate to have something to hold on to, I clung to my mother’s love. Because these were the slums.

Just like everyone here was desperate to live, I was desperate to have her love now.

"...Dammit! You gotta be shitting me!"

The sound of the front door violently opening told me that Saeran had come here. Mother and I parted in surprise, or.. rather, it was she who immediately let go.

She held my hand, and the slight shaking of her own told me her nervousness.  
  
It was a small room, so the entryway and where I sat were nearly connected. There was a big table in the middle of the room; Saeran sat and slammed a some papers he was carrying down on it.

He muttered something. I knew that he wasn’t talking to himself, but directing it at mother. She talked to him questioningly.  
"What did they say?"

Saeran just shook his head.

"Not gonna happen, they won’t talk. And they knew we got Jumin on our side, so - dammit!" As if angered by the memory, he kicked a nearby chair. Mother squeezed my hand tightly.

What was happening? why were they both so sad?

.

.

Time passed awkwardly. The tick, tick of the clock echoed through the room. Saeran let out a big sigh, and his gaze wandered. He looked past my downturned mother into my eyes.

I was startled, and opened my mouth to say something. But in a moment, he looked away with saddnes, taking a swig of the drink he had with him.

My heart sank deep. I couldn't resist to see them so sad.  
  


What was all they talked about? was it about me? Jumin?

And who were ' _they_ ' ?

At length, he rose from the chair and approached. His target wasn’t me. It was mother. He gently pulled her by the hand. My hand and hers were separated, like we were lovers torn asunder.

Saeran dragged her into another room - outside this one - and closed the door. Afterward, I heard the sound of a lock from inside. And then I was left alone.

I heard crying through the wall. The noises became quiet, then changed to speaking voices. 

I wondered what they could be talking - and crying - about.

While they were talking, I wasted time pointlessly looking outside and scratching away the labels on medicine bottles. I wanted to say that I had been given some time to be free.

In truth, I was being left behind, like usual. But it made me sad to think about that.

When I got bored of scratching labels, I reached for an old little doll I kept in my pocket. It was a doll of a lavender-haired girl. She wore a beautiful dress and a necklace, not to mention an eerie smile.

Mother had given it to me when i turned 12, saying "There weren’t any dolls with hair like yours.. But her clothes are the same color as your hair!"

I accepted it, feigning happiness. I didn’t care what color the doll’s hair was. After all, I didn’t exactly like my own hair. My hair was the same faint color as my deceased father’s. But I would have liked it to be pretty like mother’s.

I brushed the doll’s hair with my hand. The golden yarn was all knotted up, making it tricky for my fingers to pass through.

I grew annoyed. I pushed my way through to force the knots out. The doll’s inorganic eyes seemed to speak to me.

..."That hurts."

_Shut up. It can’t hurt. You’re a doll._

..."Aren’t you a doll yourself?"

I was no doll. I denied it, deep in my heart, but recalled myself as Saeyoung combed my hair in the past, I was perfectly still, letting him do as he liked. I just sat waiting for him to move the comb from top to bottom.

_Am I a doll?_

...“You are.”

_Wrong._

I continued to pull away the knots in the yarn. My eyes aren’t dead like yours. My eyes can see all sorts of things, all sorts of places.

_Heeheehee._

The doll giggled, its neck turned in an odd direction, and its face the same as ever.

...“Places like _his_ room? And what else?”

I felt the blood rise to my face. I immediately threw the doll. It hit a wall and landed on a pile of clothes on the floor.

I hid my head under the covers, not wanting to hear anything. I hated being alone. It made me think too much. It made me hear too much.

I prayed for mother and Saeran to come to my side soon, and shut my eyes tight.

Waiting in despair, i lost track of time and allowed my sore body to drift to a peaceful, but yet, full of hatred, sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at describing things, i write this to overcome my writer's block which i had for the past year, so sorry if it's bad, i haven't written a fanfiction in 5 years and a half.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter containts a little gore. (No worry, the gore is happening in a dream, so everything's fine)  
> I felt like I heard the sound of the afternoon sunlight congealing. Saeyoung was there. He was sitting in a chair, staring off into space. Noticing the front door a few seconds later, he slowly looked toward me.  
> It took some time before his lips opened and he spoke, laughing.  
> "You just buried the corpse of your best friend - Saeran -, you fool".  
> I hadn’t seen his face look so happy in a long time. Something cold ran down my back.

Two days have passed.

Two full days.

I woke up, in, what i thought, was afternoon, since there was no clock.

Strange, i feel like something is wrong, but i can't place my finger on it.

There was definitely something amiss that afternoon.

I saw a reddish mass through the window. It looked like it was covered in human clothes, which remembered a lot of  _him_ . I had a bad feeling.

In the back of my mind came the image of Saeyoung who caught my heart a long time ago. Perhaps it was that man’s corpse.

I became unable to see it as anything but Saeyoung then. Before doing any stupid actions, i looked around me.

No one was there. That meant a free way. I remembered i didn't have shoes, since, i was supposed to stay in a bed for the rest of the.. month? week? day? i honestly don't even know.

I felt the same familiar pain in my head and legs as when i stood up to hug my mother some time ago. But i tried to ignore the, now river, of tears rolling down my smooth face as i walked.

I went outside barefoot, careful enough not to to be caught by any doctors, which will, possibly take me back to my bed. I was surprised, there was literally no one.

_Strange_ , i thought.

Hand along the walls of the hospital, I proceeded to the back alley i initially saw through the window. I saw the strange shape at once. As I approached, it became increasingly evident it was a human.

As I thought, it was Saeyoung’s corpse.

The man lay on his side on the pavement. One of his eyeballs had popped out like an overturned bowl, and above the other, his skull was cracked and bloody.

I should have been crying, but i wasn't. That made me feel more strange. Maybe it was because of the hatred i felt before towards him.

I stopped a few steps away from the corpse, repunged. I looked at him, dumbfounded by the difference from when I first saw him. I couldn’t run, but neither could I get any nearer.

I was reminded of the stunning sight of him hugging me from behind, in the old and pleasant times. Why, and how had this happened?

Was he run over by a wagon? Or was he knocked from a high-up place to the ground?

How could such a lively creature be reduced to this awful state?

I was saddened.

I didn’t so much hate whoever had done this to him. It was this town, which forced you to accept that these things just happen, which I hated.

I heard a crow above me caw. I looked up and saw it up on a tall fence, stretching its wings. It was after his flesh.

_...You think I’ll let you?_

I approached the corpse. I felt like I couldn’t leave him like this. I lifted him up in both arms, to protect him.  
He was light. And stiff. The man’s body had stiffened into the position I saw him lying on the ground in.

The eyeball sticking out made it almost comically evident he would live no more, yet when I touched him... It was like he was a thing. An object. It was then I learned how when creatures die, they become mere things.

_I’ll return you to the earth_ , I vowed, carrying the thing that was once a human.

Why did i care so much? didn't i hate Saeyoung? I did. Then..why did i even care? why did i want to protect him? I felt that twisted feeling in my stomach come back to me, but it was different. If was like butterflies in my stomach.

Tears rolled down my face, it didn't feel like it was Saeyoung, it felt like someone else..

The surrounding area was all paved. No place to bury a once lively human. But there should be a park with soil nearby. Relying on memories from when i promenaded around here with Saeran, I walked in search of a park.

Every step I took, there was stabbing pain in my bones. And as I was walking around the pebble-covered ground barefoot, I wasn’t sure how much of it was my legs themselves. I bit my lip and desperately walked.

Finally, I entered the park. There was a large tree in the center. Its leaves were green and full of life; it felt entirely out of place in this town. There was no play equipment worthy of calling it a park, only an empty expanse, the tree, and a bench.

An old woman dressed in rags sat on the bench, fiddling with her purse. When she noticed me, she took a look, then disinterestedly looked back at her purse as if saying "little girl, go back to your grave".

I entered the shade of the tree. Soil extended out from the base, as if encircling it. It looked to be a flower bed. But the flowers had all wilted, and it smelled of rotten trash. It was clearly not well attended to.

I found a spot where nothing seemed to be buried and crouched down. I put down the corpse and dug the ground. The soil was surprisingly soft. It had a pleasant cool touch. I dug like I’d become a mole.

My arms were free.

_My arms were free._

They showed few symptoms of the accident from the past, but I was grateful I could move them both freely.

Sweat ran over my bandages, making them start to slip. I rubbed my nose, getting dirt on my face. I roughly wiped it with my sleeve, messing up the bandages further. When sweat touched the inflamed skin, it stung. I clenched my teeth and endured the pain, continuing to dig.

Once I’d dug a deep enough hole, I took a long breath. I placed 'Saeyoung' inside and carefully filled the hole. Finally, I put my hands together and closed my eyes. I didn’t know the meaning of it, but I knew that you were supposed to do this gesture for dead... 'things.'

I didn’t hear the crow cawing anymore.

I stood up to go back home. In mere seconds, I couldn’t move out of dizziness. I forcefully blinked, and managed to start walking. I was struck with sudden fatigue as soon as I exited the shade of the tree. I felt like an entire day had passed. Yet the sun was still high in the sky, still scorching the pavement before me.

My entire body hurt, but I was greatly satisfied.

...Now, Saeyoung can't return to the earth.

Of course, I didn’t think that was what he wanted, to never return back to the earth. It was my own selfishness. I just didn’t want to see him, that once-lively creature, lying in a cold back alley, pecked at by crows, stepped on by people.

As I walked, my mouth forming a slight smile, I passed by a middleaged woman who gave me a strange look. I hurried to straighten my lips. But thinking back on it, she wasn’t questioning my expression, but my appearance.  
  
I stopped and looked myself over. My bandages were frayed, my clothes covered with strange stains from mixing blood and dirt. Both hands were all black. I looked like a child who’d escaped from a hospital and played in mud.

What would the doctors and Saeran say?

I shivered imagining it.

I hurried back to the hospital.

Suddenly, it felt like such a long distance away. I had to get back to my room before the doctors did. I had to change clothes, wash my hands and feet, and change my bandages. I had to be a patient who didn’t take a lot of effort.

I had completely forgotten that I was a prisoner. To have my mother’s love, I had chosen to become a creature forever stuck to her bed. How could I have forgotten that? I was in a cold sweat.

Finally, I arrived in my room.

There was plenty of time before the sun set, and i saw a clock, how strange, i could swear it wasn't there when i leaved. I opened the front door feeling relieved, then hardened in place.

I felt like I heard the sound of the afternoon sunlight congealing. Saeyoung  was there. He was sitting in a chair, staring off into space. Noticing the front door a few seconds later, he slowly looked toward me.

It took some time before his lips opened and he spoke, laughing.

"You just buried the corpse of your best friend - Saeran -, you fool".

I hadn’t seen his face look so happy in a long time. Something cold ran down my back.

_Did he just say.. Saeran?_

He raised an eyebrow.

"Won't you speak, you _m_ _urderer_?"

_No. No, don’t look at me like that._

I resisted the urge to cry and made a desperate face.

I despaired as I silenced.

Because Saeyoung just stared at me with the same expression. Hollow eyes. Fixed gaze. He was looking at my muddy clothes. My dirty soil-stained fingers. My bloody legs.

The man looked at me as - as not me, but a sickly woman who would waste his time. I realized I had done something there would be no taking back.

But even knowing my mood, I desperately didn't say words. The signals kept flying in my head.

_Next word. Next word. Make sure to pick the right word._

But I knew none of them would have any effect on bringing Saeran back to life,back to  _me_.

And yet my mouth would not talk.

Saeran loved me.

But that love was kept afloat by a delicate balance. A friendship with nothing to spare, expensive medicines which i'm 100 percent sure he buys me, the effort of making me happy when I'm down.

I had just destroyed that balance.

I cursed Saeyoung. No amount of respect for the work he does could stop my hatred.

Why did Saeran die? Why? Why did my best friend die? .. just why?..

Finally, Saeyoung got out of the chair. He prepared a knife and began stabbing my heart.

.

.

 I woke up.

Panting.

A nightmare. Death. Death of me. Death of Saeran.

But, everything was proven wrong. he was alive, standing in front of me.

I looked at him in desperation. He was smiling.

"Are you okay?"

_No! i'm not! i had a nightmare where you died and i buried your corpse! of course I'm not okay!_

Signals continued to fly in my head. But like a broken clock which can only spin its hands, I could come up with nothing. I just panted and told myself to breathe, even if that was fake. 

Two women entered the room. I assumed one was my mother, since she looked angelic, and the other Jaehee.

Without thinking, panic and adrenaline rushing through my veins, i spat out the most miserable words i ever said to my lively mother.

"Go away!" Next thing i see, her expression hardens and she stares dumbfounded at me, as if she just saw a ghost.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will write more about the actual fandom instead of MC and her mother relationship. It's been a little too much of that though, so yeah, hope you enjoy.


	6. Chapter 6

I realized I had done something there would be no taking back. And as if to immediately prove the validity of that hunch, mother stopped visiting me. Me and Saeran were the ones most disturbed by my mother’s absence.

Someone from mother’s work came by the house, and Saeran just shouted and cried, refusing to talk. The coworker ended up pacifying him instead, then left. Saeran, crumpled on the ground in tears as if praying to God, seemed like he wouldn’t even allow me time to mourn. Her disappearance had been very sudden.

I wasn’t “sad,” but rather, part of my body was consumed with a sense of emptiness.

...Surely, one would call this feeling despair. My throat was dry, and I couldn’t sleep. I had no energy to get up, or to eat anything.

But as this went on for two or three days, I considered something. Maybe mother was just a little tired. Maybe she just needed a break from her exhausting life with me. Once she got some rest, she’d remember me and come back to visiting me again.

Because I was her dear daughter. Because surely, I was too precious to leave behind. That dim idea gradually became a conviction, calming me. Imagining mother coming home, I could sleep peacefully.

Of course mother will return. She’ll regret ever leaving, apologize, and hug me. And wrapped up in her aroma, I would smile and forgive my mother.

Though Saeran visited me all the time and Saeyoung just didn't care about me, we still never said a word to each other. He would talk to objects, but he never talked to me. Perhaps he found it eerie how I didn’t cry and took it calmly.

Perhaps I should have cried like a child, and said selfish things. But I couldn’t do that then. Too used to the situation between Saeran and I now, I couldn’t break the silence myself.

I was immobilized by fear that if I used tears to have his concern, I would be increasingly ignored. Having already made my mistake, I was terribly timid.

Soon, a man I didn’t know came to visit me. Saeran received something from the man and paid him money. Once he had it in hand, he seemed restless and went into another room from the hospital, and would not come out for the rest of the day.

As this kept happening, Saeran would visit me less and less. I didn't want to loose him too..

I earnestly waited for his return. I fell asleep imagining him and mother coming to visit me, and woke up praying that he would be stroking my cheek.

Sometimes I would wake up thinking he was there, but it was only the wind on my cheek.

The doll which I’d thrown to the wall tilted her head and looked at me. I felt a chill. Before I could hear her laughing, I dove under the covers and covered my ears.

_Stop making me suffer so much, please._

...Eventually, mother stopped coming here.

.

.

It was in the dead of night. I woke up feeling thirsty. I headed for the sink with an unsteady gait. Lit faintly by the moon through the window, my room was a pale white.

Trembling from the cold, I pumped out some water, scooped it with my hands, and drank. Thinking I should bring some bandages while I was at it, I opened a dresser drawer. I was surprised by its lightness, and found there were only two or three rolls left.

In fact, the medicine I drank this morning was the last as well. What would happen if I didn’t drink my medicine? I remembered the doctor saying, "If you don’t drink this, it’ll get worse." Was it just an excuse to get me to drink the bitter medicine which remembered me of Saeyoung? Or maybe because it really had been getting worse.

...I didn’t want to think about it.

I shivered, and not from the cold. I was suffering quite enough already. Even if it got worse, things couldn’t change all that much. I was utterly exhausted.

I started to walk back to bed. On the way, I stumbled into a wall and dropped the bandages. They rolled off toward the entryway. As I went after them, suddenly, I noticed a faint light near the front door.

I could hear voices through them, so i pressed my ear on the white wall.

"What should we tell her? 'oh i'm sorry little woman but your mother committed suicide yesterday, leaving a note saying that you're the one to blame' ? no, that won't do, she's got that boy, what was his name again?" my blood ran cold.

"His name is Saeran."

_Mother..you.. died?_

"yeah yeah, that Saeran boy. She's got him by her side. I remember the boy working hard to get us the money we want to 'treat her'. Tsk tsk, idiot one, he could just talk to Mr. Han to give us money, but where would the fun be?"

So that's what Saeran and mom were talking about.

Silently, i remember my mother. Dead.

_How must it have happened?.._

i started making scenarios in my head.

* * *

 

"Are you... going somewhere?", I plainly asked. I wasn’t pressing her for information, nor trying to make her  
uneasy. It was just a question that came to mind.

Mother’s expression darkened. After some hesitation, she stepped closer to the bridge. 

_I didn't realize we were on a roof now._

I could feel her trembling. She cried without making a sound. Was she sad? If not, why? I didn’t know.

But I found myself sad as well.

"I’m sorry.."

_Sorry?_

In my imagination, I forgave my apologizing mother again and again. But now, I felt like she was apologizing for a different reason. I looked at her like I didn’t understand. She averted her eyes, unable to look directly at me, as if i was transparent and not there.

The moment I saw it, my chest tightened.

Suddenly, I started to view the situation I was in objectively. My mother hadn’t been visiting me. And she came on a roof in the middle of night when everyone would be sleeping -

I dropped my gaze.

The distance between the roof and the earth was incredibly huge.

I didn’t want to understand. My body screamed. But I could come up with no answer for the situation.

Mother -

Mother meant to abandon me. To abandon life.

Mother’s scent, which had given me such comfort, rapidly became something detestable. The mist like white milk cleared, and I noticed the night air brushed my skin. The sadness in me had vanished, being replaced with a hole.

"please forgive me, God.."

I doubted my ears.

 _What nonsense was this woman saying?_ I looked at her skeptically.

Don’t you know how much I loved you?

Don’t you know how much the world doesn’t love me?

Does this woman really think the world and I can get along?

Even though I want you so much, and love you so much, are you going to just give up on accepting my love?

And -

You’re going to give up on loving me too, aren’t you?

Mother slowly parted from the roof and elegantly wiped her tears. She had the face of a caring mother. But I gazed at her like she was a woman I never knew.

"Be well, daughter.." Everythin seemed to be a slow motion, with her falling slowly from the roof.

Suddenly, we were down on the earth.

Red blood spurted out. The woman tried to scream. I didn’t stop crying. The wind kept attacking her neck. Relentlessly. Again and again. At every possible angle. The woman collapsed. The wind shifted its grip to hold the knife underhand.

I came down upon her. I bathed in the bloodspray.

_If you won’t love me, I don’t need you._

_If you’re loved, but you won’t accept it, I’ll never forgive you._

I admitted it. I admitted I hated mother now. And that I was jealous of her, as a woman myself, for being loved by my deceased father. My father never even cared about me, it all was around my mother.

But if only mother could have kept loving me, it would have kept a lid on that hatred.

I could have loved her then.

I let go of my mother’s love. From the thing I had desperately clung to. As I swallowed her warm blood, I realized.

I could breathe. And yet I had convinced myself that if I let go, I wouldn’t be able to.

In the depths of a sea of blood, I held my knee and sobbed.

_That was the real me._

I was the same as the people in the back alley. I avoided looking at the things I didn’t want to see. I wanted to feign ignorance. It certainly existed, but all I did was acknowledge it was there.

When I raised my tear-stained face and cried, a hand reached for me. I took her hand. Just then, the hand became a bloody knife, and I was standing in the ocean.

The woman before me sat against a rock and spoke no longer.

* * *

 

I was back to reality now.

I couldn’t move my limbs, and I felt a bubble in my throat. I felt disgusting. I felt alive. Living shouldn’t have felt this dirty.

That's when the doctors averted their gazes towards me.

 


	7. Discontinued, AN.

I Apologize for not updating this story for a long time, I always considered this as a "Get Over The Writer's Block" FanFiction, and now I lost interest once again. I decided to not delete this idea, so if any of you wish to continue, you have the right to take the idea and continue, just credit me for the first 6 Chapters, thank you!  
And once again, i apologize!


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